Negotiating With The Enemy story in the September 2010 Issue of Explore TACA

Negotiating With The Enemy

At one time or another, most of us have faced the prospect of negotiating with a sworn enemy—whether a "greedy" sibling, an "evil" ex-spouse or an "immoral" company.

There is no right or wrong answer as to whether to negotiate with a person or group you consider an enemy. In general, however, most people decide too hastily to walk away from such talks or to turn their dispute over to the courts, writes Program on Negotiation Chairman Robert Mnookin in his new book, Bargaining with the Devil: When to Negotiate, When to Fight. Our emotions cause us to err on the side of not negotiating.

In these situations, Mnookin identifies three steps crucial to wise decision-making:

1. Avoid emotional traps. All of us are susceptible to various emotional traps, both positive and negative, that can steer us toward or away from negotiating with the enemy.

Demonization, or the tendency to see the other side as evil to the core, is one of the most common negative emotional traps. The more you demonize your counterpart, the less willing you will be to interact with him or her. The positive side of demonization, contextual rationalization, is a less common trap. When you easily forgive others for their transgressions, you are engaging in contextual rationalization.

Other common negative traps that can lead you astray include tribalism, or the tendency to view your group as good and the other side as evil, and self-righteousness, or the tendency to blame your counterpart entirely for a problem and let yourself off the hook.

Negative and positive emotional traps can cloud your judgment in negotiation. How can you avoid them? Recognizing and acknowledging them is a crucial first step. Consulting trusted advisers can help you consider different perspectives on the problem.

2. Analyze costs and benefits. Imagine that three siblings—Gloria, Albert and Jane—get into a dispute over their inheritance from their father. He stipulated that the money be left in a trust for 40 years after his death, at which time it would be distributed to any of his remaining children and their heirs. Gloria, who is a registered certified public accountant, offers to manage the trust and its investments for a small annual fee, but Jane insists on having a bank manage the trust. As a result, Gloria accuses Jane of disrespecting her abilities whereas Jane accuses Gloria of being controlling. Soon the two aren't speaking. Albert, concerned about hefty bank fees, sides with Gloria, and the issue remains unresolved.

Let's look at the dilemma from Jane's perspective. As the youngest child, Jane is tired of her older sister bossing her around. She is tempted to maintain an icy silence with Gloria and turn the matter over to the courts.

Before Jane sues her sister, Mnookin would advise her to take a deep breath and answer the following questions: 1) What are my interests in this dispute? What are my enemy's interests?; 2) What are my alternatives to this negotiation? What are my enemy's alternatives?; 3) Can I envision a potential deal that could satisfy both sides' interests better than our alternatives to negotiation?; 4) What will this negotiation cost me, in money and time? How will it affect my reputation and relationships? Will it set a bad precedent?; 5) If we reach a deal, how likely will we be to implement it successfully?

Though not an exact science, this type of risk analysis can help you make more rational decisions. Your analysis may lead you to believe that you have a promising alternative to the current negotiation, or it may convince you that your best course is to try to work out a deal with the enemy.

In Jane's case, her cost-benefit analysis might help her decide she would be better off negotiating directly with Gloria and Albert rather than allowing the courts to take over. With the help of a mediator, the three siblings could possibly air their grievances. Ultimately, Jane and Albert might agree to let Gloria manage the trust on two conditions: first, that she completes a class on trust management, and second, that an outside auditor examine the books each year.

3. Address ethical and moral issues. Yes, it often makes sense to hammer out differences with family members and other important people in our lives. But what about those counterparts you simply can't abide? Shouldn't you be able to avoid a negotiation that would go against your values?

Mnookin acknowledges that honor, integrity and identity can and should be significant factors when deciding whether to negotiate with an enemy. But he cautions that our moral judgments tend to arise from the intuitive side of the brain. If you use these judgments as an excuse to avoid analyzing a situation, they could become dangerous traps. The key is to recognize that your moral judgments should "involve an interaction between intuition and analysis."

Not negotiating with the enemy for ethical reasons is a perfectly legitimate decision, provided you've thought through two factors. First, to ensure you aren't overly swayed by emotional traps, you must be willing to probe your moral intuitions by conducting the type of cost-benefit analysis described above. Second, if you are acting solely on your own behalf, you have every right to allow your personal values to trump reasoned analysis. If, on the other hand, deciding not to negotiate might indirectly harm those you represent, such as your family or co-workers, you may have a greater moral obligation to negotiate.

Choosing to negotiate with someone who has hurt you or others in the past can be a painful decision. You may feel torn between wanting to seek justice for past wrongs and the need for resolution. Yet the desire for vengeance can be an emotional trap that will keep you from meeting your primary goals, according to Mnookin. That's why it's so important to balance your intuition with rational analysis.

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